First and foremost, hey guys!
Whew. Now that I’ve got that obligatory and horribly awkward salutation out of the way, I can move on to the highly necessary and equally awkward process of explaining where the heck I’ve been for six months.
Six. Whole. Months.
*Cue the Jeopardy theme song while I try to think of a super lame, hardly believable excuse for why I’ve been missing for half a year.*
Ah! Yes, that’s right. I remember now.
Aliens. I was abducted by aliens. I mean, DUH. What else could cause a person to suddenly vanish from their own blog for six entire months?
Of course, it was the aliens! Anytime anything remotely within my control goes blatantly wrong, aliens are always at fault.
After all, I was doing so well back in June. I had removed countless foods from my diet, I was working out regularly, and I had even given up soda. Soda for goodness sake. As far as I’m concerned, I was on an air and water diet at one point. For several months straight, I wholeheartedly devoted myself to proper diet and exercise.
Man, if the aliens hadn’t hovered over my house one night and beamed me up like Scotty, I would be so thin by now.
You know… if that’s actually why I went ghost for so long.
Okay, enough of the BS. I thought making up some ridiculous story about having spent a six month-long celestial sabbatical with little green men from Mars would make me feel better about having basically abandoned the blog and all of you awesome readers. However, that’s not really working out– much like the weight loss plans I made six months back.
To set the record straight, I was downright miserable back in June. I had actually been quite unhappy for awhile. Even though coming on here and sharing all of my weight loss efforts with you guys was a lot of fun and kept me more motivated than I could have imagined, the overall process was actually depressing. Like, really depressing.
The whole purpose of this blog was to document the step-by-step, day by day goings on of my weight loss journey. I wished to keep track of the triumphs and failures to give me something to look back on and see how far I’d come. However, I also wanted to share the journey for anyone out there who needed to know that they weren’t alone in their own process.
While sharing my story, it was always important to maintain as positive a vibe as possible. I never wanted to complain or emphasize the struggles I was having because I know how difficult it can be to go through this process. For many people, there are enough depressing, low points while trying to lose weight as it is (especially in the beginning phases), so I avoided bringing those moments up.
Unfortunately, I never ended up mentioning just how difficult a time I was having, which I’m not sure was the right thing to do.
Those of you who have struggled to lose weight or change your health routine might totally understand me when I say that there can be a lot of pressure in sharing your fitness and diet plans with other people. This is definitely the case if you’re someone who decides to pursue your goals in a very public manner.
People are expecting you to progress at a certain rate or do this or eat that. Everyone has an opinion, but not everyone is considerate in sharing those opinions. If you fall short of a goal, there is so much humiliation and disappointment that comes with it.
This being said, I was totally unprepared for some of the negative emotions I faced while sharing my journey with all of you.
Despite trying to do all of the “right things”, much of the progress I documented felt like an endless uphill battle. Struggling to understand how I could put forth so much effort yet yield so few noticeable results, I became more and more discouraged with every post. I felt like a miserable failure, but how could I express that and still maintain a brave, cheerful face?
After all, I didn’t have an adequate answer for why the scale was refusing to budge. It wasn’t possible for me to share triumphant updates of having dropped several dress sizes. I hated having to overcompensate at the dinner table or in the gym just so I could come on here and have something to say for myself, as though trying even harder would negate the fact that the mirror was still being downright disrespectful.
As time wore on, I became afraid of being unfairly judged by people who might not see the effort I was putting forth each day. Some folks are quick to assume the worst about others (especially those who are overweight), so it would have been all too easy for someone to accuse me of being “lazy” or not trying hard enough.
Of course, this couldn’t have been further from the truth, but in the midst of already beating myself up over the poor results, I truly didn’t need criticism from anyone else. Trust me, I was mean enough.
Eventually, I just… stopped posting. Even still, I never intended to be gone as long as I’ve been.
When I took a short break from posting just before my birthday, I thought that I’d enjoy July before getting back to business. No crazy dieting. No workouts. I simply wanted to chill out for a few weeks so my brain wouldn’t implode from the stress of trying to force myself thin again.
Once I had decompressed, I figured that I’d go back to the drawing board and try to figure out why things weren’t going very well. However, one month turned into two… and two turned into three.
By the time Halloween popped up, life had sufficiently gotten in the way of my plans to return. I kept saying that I’d come back on here “next Monday” to pick up where I’d left off, but it just never happened. Then, there were the holidays so… you know how that can be.
BUT here I am. I’m back, and with any luck, I won’t be leaving.
A lot has changed since I last posted, so the blog will be taking a new direction as well. My overall attitude towards weight loss and my own body image has greatly improved, which has helped me to make peace with the progress I’ve made thus far. I’ve also had plenty of time to experiment with different things, so I now know what works for me and what just… doesn’t.
Although I have managed to lose weight during the last six months (WAY more than when I was actually working out regularly and eating nothing but rabbit food), I’m still not where I wish to be. I acknowledge that.
However, I also acknowledge that my weight, shape, or dress size doesn’t define me. I didn’t always believe that though. Since childhood, my weight has been my primary focus. Through various experiences in life, I adopted the idea that I was only as valuable as I was thin.
By the time I actually starting gaining weight, I had put a lot of conditions on what I could do in life, based on how much I weighed. I can’t go to France or Italy because I’m fat. I can’t model because I’m fat. I can’t go to the beach anymore… I’m way too fat for sun and sand. No, I won’t take a selfie with you– Don’t you know I’m too fat for cameras?
The list went on and on and on…
However, I am no longer willing to starve myself in hopes of attaining the “perfect body”, nor am I interested in putting my dreams on hold out of fear of other people’s opinions. I am who I am and I weigh what I weigh. Should I be thinner? Probably. Is the world going to come to a screeching halt if I never lose another inch? Nope.
I’ve completely sworn off measurements and scales, so future updates will no longer primarily focus on my actual weight or size. I’m no longer obsessing about working out either. If I workout, excellent, but if I don’t, I’m not going to suddenly blow up like a puffer fish and float away. LOL. I will be focusing on new forms of physical activity this year though, so I’m hoping the change in routine helps me find the ideal weight loss formula.
And you know how I was keeping track of the number of days since starting this journey? Those are going bye-bye too.
It no longer matters to me how long it takes to reach my final goal. As long as I’m doing the things I need to do in order to feel and look better based on my own standards, I’ll be happy. Heck, I’m already quite pleased and I’ve still got a ways to go. I can only imagine where I’ll be by the end of the year.
Even though my view of these things have changed, some aspects of weight loss and fitness are the same.
For instance, maintaining a healthy diet has remained of great importance to me. If anything, my diet will get better and better as time goes on, so I hope to share a lot more recipes and snack ideas! Ultimately, I hope to eventually transition to a vegan diet (permanently), but good grief… it’s going to take a minute. Like, a lot of minutes. 😛
Overall, the key to my weight loss success in 2020 is clear: I have to do things that don’t make me hyperventilate and froth at the mouth.
If I simply hate doing it, I need to find a new alternative. Weight loss can definitely be challenging, but it shouldn’t provoke panic attacks or have me spending 99.9% of my day obsessively counting carbs, calories, fat, and individual sugar granules (like I did last year). If I’m that panicked over losing weight, it’s not going to work out in the long run.
Sure, it is important to be healthy, but there is so much more to the pursuit of good health than numbers, calculations, and diets. And no matter what anyone else says, there is more to health than being a certain size. I wasn’t very good at figuring that out last year, but this year is going to be much different.
So, to make a long story short, I kinda screwed things up last year. I wasn’t entirely honest about how I felt about everything, but I should have been. For that, I’m sorry. Running off without so much as a Dear John letter was pretty lame of me too, so I totally apologize.
However, it would have been nice if one of you had actually bothered to report me missing. You know, you guys could have canvassed the Internet or held a virtual candlelight vigil for me or something… dang. Such an overly dramatic and low-key creepy gesture might have actually made me feel warm and fuzzy enough to come back sooner. Now we may never know. Ya’ll blew it. 😛
Anyhow, here’s to a new year and a new decade! With any luck, you guys will join me as I try out new (and less torturous ways) to hack this whole weight loss thing. 🙂
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