Hi, everyone! It has been quite awhile since my last post, but I’m finally back. I hope all of you are doing well.
Although I am still not at a point where daily posts can resume, the time has definitely come for me to share some of the newer developments in my weight loss journey. The last few weeks have been interesting on so many different levels, and I’ve learned a lot.
When it comes to working towards long-term goals such as weight loss, you come to learn so much about your personal weaknesses and strengths. Working all of this out can be refreshing and confusing at the same time, but my break away from here granted me the opportunity to truly see how far I’ve come and how far I have left to go. Even still, I am discovering new things and being presented with new challenges everyday. It can be trying at times, but it’s actually quite fun too.
I shall be sharing my three-month progress update within the next few posts (hopefully this week), so I won’t get too detailed and wordy about what I’ve been up to lately. However, I am very happy to announce that I have successfully stuck with my diet, so I have continued to see consistent changes in my body.
Despite initially being a little worried that my discipline might waver without the blog keeping me accountable, everything is perfectly fine. Aside from making a few small adjustments to the diet, I have had no trouble sticking to the original plan. At this point, it is beyond manageable and sustainable.
As for working out, there was a bit of a roadblock.
Out of the last two weeks, I’ve only worked out twice (including today). Surprisingly, I harbor zero feelings of guilt over it. I will touch upon this subject a little bit more at a future time, but overall, I simply felt that my body needed rest. Shortly before taking the break from posting, I had started to run out of steam in my workouts. It felt as though I’d completely hit a wall in that area of my life. Even though I was still pushing myself to keep going, it had begun to feel as though the actions were doing more harm than good.
Taking an extended hiatus from working out was one of the scariest moments of this journey because breaks such as this have always been a kiss of death in the past. Whether caused by illness/injury or a sheer lack of resolve, past weight loss efforts have been completely derailed by simply skipping two or three workouts. To consciously skip two weeks of exercise made me extremely nervous. As much as I wanted to ignore the way my body was feeling (and not put the success of this weight loss adventure in jeopardy), I knew I had to take the risk.
In the end, I’m extremely glad that I did.
Despite the ups and downs of the last two weeks, I truly feel inspired and motivated by my progress thus far. Taking a step away from the watchful eye of the blog (and its much appreciated followers) was like taking the training wheels off of a child’s bike. This was the first time in three months that my dedication to this journey was really put to the test. For me, it’s relatively easy to do the “right” things when other people are there to encourage or even judge you. However, being away all of this time left me to my own devices to freely screw everything up as I have done many, many, many times before.
But this time, I didn’t. For once, I did the right things not because someone else was watching, but because I was.
There are many people out there who believe that weight loss is “easy”. Fundamentally, I agree with this sentiment because the basic mechanics behind the act of losing weight are indeed simple. If you take away all of the extraneous factors that often complicate people’s weight loss, consuming less calories than you burn and moving more isn’t exactly rocket science; there are definitely harder tasks in this world.
The problem is that for many of us, it’s not always a straightforward matter to magically rid ourselves of the emotional and mental baggage that we carry around. More specifically, I believe many people struggle to lose weight due to their past failures.
No matter what your dream or goal is in life, failure can be genuinely hard to navigate. Although failure and rejection is a normal part of our experience as humans, it can sometimes get the best of you. A lot of people give up on their dreams when they fail to measure up to their expectations or the expectations of others. Failing to lose weight can be especially hard to bounce back from because the failure is so far-reaching.
Society tends to judge overweight people quite harshly, so when a person struggles to lose weight it’s not just a personal failure. Having other people look down on you on a daily basis, making assumptions about your character and health (like calling you lazy even if you workout regularly) can be so detrimental to someone’s confidence. Overweight people (like many other groups) face so much negativity out in the world. Some people have trouble dating, some people get passed up for certain jobs, while others are mocked mercilessly to their face or through the computer screen.
Being overweight can come with some very hurtful consequences, which makes each failure at a diet or exercise regimen even harder than it should be. Being unable to successfully lose weight can often make you feel as though you are flunking out of life itself.
In general, I am admittedly not the type of chick that the world would view as super successful. I don’t have a lot of money, a flashy car, or an important job. I don’t have thousands of followers on social media or a bunch of really influential friends. Life certainly hasn’t gone according to plan, so I’ve failed a lot over the years.
Even so, I measure my success in life not by the world’s standards, but by my own. If I can get up in the morning and be proud of how I treat other people and that effort I put forth in everything that I do (whether it is ultimately successful or not), I consider myself blessed. I share this tidbit about my life because I had a revelation this morning that left me feeling as though I’d just won billions of dollars.
I realized that this summer could be the very last summer that I ever have to spend being overweight.
Even though I don’t expect to reach my ultimate goal weight within the next year, if I continue to make progress as I have been thus far, I will be virtually unrecognizable next June. The old me would have realized this and immediately said, “OMG! That’s sooo long from now! I will never make it!” However, the new me thinks of this and says, “The year will be over before I know it. And I will make it. I must.”
Throughout these last three months, I have lived in constant fear. I know I have never mentioned anything about it because I try to keep things as positive as possible, but it’s true.
From sunup to sundown, I have wrestled with a deep-seated fear that something would happen to undo all of my progress. I have worried about triggering a binge that I couldn’t stop (like countless times before)… or just waking up one day and deciding that I don’t like to workout so I’m not going to do it anymore (also like countless times before). And even though I haven’t always been overweight, I’ve dealt with disordered eating and negative body image issues since third or fourth grade, so there’s absolutely no reason for me to believe that this time is going to be the instance that I escape this whole merry-go-round and finally experience what it’s like to look in a mirror and not loathe the reflection staring back at me.
Adhering to my diet and willfully returning to my normal workout schedule after two weeks off was a complete miracle. For me, it was solid proof that this time is different. It really showed just how deeply engrained this process is now.
It may sound strange to some of you, but from my perspective, it was how a parent must feel when they leave their teenager home alone for the first time. Initially, they might be worried that the kid is going to have a raging party or burn the house to ashes, but once they see that everything went well, they will be convinced that their child can be left home alone again future.
This is exactly how I felt.
Knowing that I can now be trusted to take time away from working out and actually go back to it has given me the permission to finally breathe. No longer do I have to spend my days worrying that I’ll accidentally cave in to a craving or spontaneously start gaining weight again. I don’t have to worry about being perfect. This experience has really provided hope for the future because it has also shown that I’m truly in this for the long haul. I will eventually cross the finish line.
After years of trying and failing and trying and failing, I know that this time is the very last time that I will have to struggle with my weight problems, and for this knowledge, I am eternally grateful. I am finally free.
If freedom such as this isn’t the true measure of success, I have no idea what is. ☺️
Today’s Workout: American Deadlifts (10 lb. dumbbells) 3 reps of 15. // Squats (10 lb. resistance band) 4 sets of 25. // Standing kickbacks (10 lb resistance band) 2 sets of 25. // Standing leg abduction (10 lb. resistance band–doubled) 2 sets of 25. // Walking (Treadmill: 10% incline) 252 calories burned. 1.10 miles.
Today was Day 92.
Free, at last. 🕊
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