Doin’ It For: The Fashion

In the last post of this series, I shared a desire to celebrate my future thinner body by taking a trip to the French Riviera. But as you could have guessed, a sun-kissed vacay isn’t the only reason that I wish to lose weight.

Today, I am going to share another source of motivation for me during this weight loss journey, and boy oh boy, is it a big one.

Fashion.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved fashion– especially the creations of the world’s best known fashion houses. All throughout my life, I have viewed fashion, hair, and makeup as art mediums or multi-purpose tools for self-expression and creativity.

The editorials found within the glossy pages of Vogue and W were full of new and exciting ways to inspire me, as were the runway shows of Fashion Week. According to a younger me, it would have been a dream come true to become a model.

You know, if I hadn’t grown to be so vertically challenged. ๐Ÿ˜ If only I had foreseen the era of the Instagram model!

As passionate as I am about clothes and accessories, I’ve never had any one definable style. I’ve had uber trendy moments, sporty moments, punk moments, and prep moments. There’s been vintage pinup phases, scene phases, glam phases, and grunge phases.

I guess you could say that my sense of style is as contradictory and varied as my personality, which is what has made fashion such a useful weapon; I can always come up with a unique, but precise way to reflect my current mood and vibe in life.

Well, I used to be able to, anyway.

Despite continuing my love affair with all things stylish, I can’t say that my closet has accurately reflected that over the last few years. You see, gaining weight was the worst thing that ever could have happened to my wardrobe. After spending the first half of my life being able to effortlessly fit into pretty much anything I found in the mall, it has been ridiculously hard to find clothes to wear as a plus-sized woman– anywhere. I simply can’t figure out how to dress myself at this size; it’s a mess.

While I won’t go as far as to say that plus-sized clothes look like garbage (even though I really would like to be overly dramatic and say exactly that), I will say that plus-sized clothes look like garbage on me. I don’t believe that I have managed to find a single outfit in the last… ten years that I’ve actually loved and felt good about wearing.

Sure, there are clothes that I’ve purchased and worn because it’s apparently not cool to run about in the streets naked (lol), but do I love them and feel that I actually look good in them? Absolutely not. Even today, after finally finding a few select retailers who have semi-appealing clothes for plus-sized women, I still wish I could burn my entire wardrobe because there’s not a single garment that I care to be seen in.

Oh gosh, I feel a major down-with-all-plus-sized-clothing-because-it’s-all-cut-like-shapeless-trash-bags rant coming on. Deep breath, girl, deep breath. ๐Ÿ˜ค This is not that type of post; we can talk about my disdain for plus-sized clothes at another time. This post, however, is about the clothing I do like, so let’s stick to that, shall we?

I would really like to get down to a Size 2 or 4 so I can once again wear the things that I would currently NEVER allow myself to be seen in.

It would be really nice to be able to find and fit in the types of clothing that would best reflect who I am as a person, instead of merely throwing on whatever fits merely because it fits. After all, I have a very flamboyant and wild personality; I feel that my clothing should reflect that.

The particular type of aesthetic I like at the moment isn’t exactly something I would feel comfortable wearing out in public, be it too form fitting, too revealing, or just plain not available in larger sizes. Unfortunately, I have had so much trouble finding things in my size that allow me to give off the vibe I’m actually working with. People probably think I’m a lot more reserved than I am.

So, when I think about the types of outfits I would love to see in my future wardrobe, I think of the following: (I decided to use Balmain as an example today because I’ve been crushing on a lot of their stuff for awhile now.)

Tie-dye Tweed Mini Dress/Balmain

Okay, so here is a good example of something I would not feel comfortable wearing even after grabbing every pair of Spanx I can get my hands on. Even though I’m obsessed with this beautiful aqua blue dress (my favorite color), there are so many things about it that are a no-no at the moment.

1.) It’s too short and would reveal my legs. I don’t want my legs showing. It’s like, against my religion or something. ๐Ÿ˜

2.) Tweed is extremely unforgiving. I feel that on me, it shows every little bump and lump, making me look bigger than necessary. Plus, there’s no give to it, and a girl’s gotta breathe.

Asymmetrical Button Knit Top/Balmain

I’m really into this top. Although I’ve never been a pink kind of girl, this reminds me of something I’d wear on a sunny Saturday to go get a Mango Dragonfruit Refresher from Starbucks. I know, really weird and random, but I often buy clothes strictly for strange, niche situations such as grabbing a fruity drink or browsing books at Barnes and Noble. ๐Ÿค“

However, I won’t be able to wear things like this until I reach my goal weight (or pretty dang close) because:

1.) Knit is my mortal enemy. It doesn’t like me and I don’t like it. I might wear it on occasion, but it is not my first choice. Like tweed, it has a habit of showing every single flaw.

2.) I don’t do sleeveless. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I wore a sleeveless top or dress out in public. Heck, I barely wear sleeveless shirts in the house when no one is looking. Only recently have I started wearing shirts with cut off sleeves while working out, and even still, I hate catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Striped Knit Mini Dress/Balmain

The moment I laid eyes on this dress a few weeks ago, I was like YES! But then I was like, NO!

For starters, I love, love, love anything strappy or striped, so this was the best of both worlds. Black and gold are my go-to clothing colors as well, so there was no way that I wouldn’t like this piece.

However…

1.) This is entirely too revealing for me at this point in time. Obviously, the arms are exposed (NO), the legs are exposed (NO), the back is exposed (NO), and half the chest is cutout (Cute, but still NO). I would literally be falling out of every nook and cranny in this thing because I have a whole lot of… parts (lol) that simply wouldn’t stay put without some serious anti-wardrobe malfunction tape.

2.) Even though people have started to say that the whole “big people shouldn’t wear horizontal stripes” thing is a myth, I’m not even about to test that theory out. Myth or no myth, I am absolutely convinced that horizontal stripes would accentuate one of my most disliked trouble areas: the stomach. Check, please!

Leather Pants/Balmain

It’s really funny because I haven’t always liked leather pants. Ironically, I developed a real love for them once I gained too much weight to feel that I’d actually look good in them. Strange how life works, ey?

These would be such a great investment piece for me because I wear black 98% of the time, and tend to lean towards being edgy when it comes to my preferred style of dress.

But… I still couldn’t buy a pair of leather pants yet because… ๐Ÿ™„

1.) Leather doesn’t stretch, so these would be extremely difficult to get in and out of if they didn’t fit just right. Get them too large and you’ll look like a fool, but get them too small and you’ll look like a stuffed sausage. What’s a girl to do?

2.) Leather pants are usually meant to be form fitting, which would totally be okay with me… as long as my legs looked like the model’s in them. ๐Ÿ˜‚ I won’t be brave enough to rock a pair of leather pants until I manage to lean out my leg muscles and get rid of whatever excess fat is clinging to them. My stomach would need to be pretty flat as well because I prefer to have my shirts tucked in.

So as you can see, there are many clothing options that are basically “off limits” for me until I lose more weight. And this was just a small sampling of the things I’d wear if only I could!

It is possible that some people really take for granted being able to pull something out of their closet and just throw it on without making it a big deal. Over the years, there have been countless times (probably hundreds) when I wanted to go out somewhere, but have changed my mind due to not liking how I looked in clothes.

Either that, or I’ve spent the entire outing being unable to enjoy myself due to feeling self-conscious in what I’d managed to put together.

I might spend an hour or more trying to figure out what to wear. It’s bad enough that I don’t particularly like the look/style of my clothes to begin with, but then I have to wrestle with each item trying to hide all of the parts of my body that make me feel insecure.

Never, ever, ever can I just pick something out and put it on. No, I have to try it on, scrutinize myself in the mirror, decide that I look entirely too fat, and then throw it all onto the floor so I can pick something else.

I get so tired from putting stuff on and tearing it back off that I no longer feel up to going out at all. This is not to mention the time it takes to pick up all of the clothes I rejected so they can be rehung in the closet.

In total, I might have… one or two outfits that I feel okay about out of two closets and a huge dresser. I have recently sold so many items with the tags still dangling off of them because I already know they aren’t my style (and weren’t even when I bought them), they fit too large, or I’ll never find the confidence to wear them.

*Sigh*

Despite having gone through this for the last decade, I am determined to put an end to it– once and for all. I dislike that it can’t happen overnight, but I still take comfort in the fact that it will happen. Perhaps then I can share my new wardrobe with you guys and have a livestream of my “fat clothes” burning party. LOL!

I was just joking about that when I said it, but now it sounds like a really fun idea. ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ ๐Ÿค”

Yesterday’s Workout: 1 hour, 33 minutes. Dance Cardio Class (Body weight only–no equipment). Calories burned: A LOT ๐Ÿ˜‚

Today was Day 59.

Just say no to horizontal stripes. ๐Ÿฆ“


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Featured Photo Credit: EVG photos/Pexels

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