Well That Was Gracefully Awkward…

Ugh. 😖

Where do I even start?

I’m not even going to lie… I’m ever so slightly upset about today’s workout. It is somewhat difficult for me to accurately pinpoint the specific cause of my irritation, but I will try my best to explain it for you.

In case you aren’t familiar with my personal blog, I’ve previously shared the story of my lifelong interest in ballet. At that time, I expressed a desire to get myself into proper shape so I could eventually take an adult ballet class at a local dance studio. But even then, I was far from ready to embarrass myself in front of an entire class of dancers.

It’s been several months since I last attempted ballet exercises, so I knew it was time to get back to doing them on a regular basis. After all, ballet is highly demanding, even for seasoned dancers. Someone of my current ability should definitely keep up on things if they hope to have even the slightest chance of improving their technique.

Today’s Workout: 30 minutes. (Ballet) Ankles, calves, barre, and center routines.

After having a very difficult time deciding what I wanted to work on today, I settled on ballet just as I had originally planned. Today, my energy was a bit lower than it has been, so I opted to only go through two videos. The first video focused on strengthening exercises for the ankles and calves, while the second video featured barre and center routines.

Even though I had never gone through these particular videos before, I’ve previously enjoyed several others by the same instructor. They’ve always been highly challenging, but quite fun, so I figured that today would play out along the same lines. Unfortunately, I miscalculated. Severely.

After having sustained a nasty injury to both of my ankles (as well as one knee) a few years ago, I’ve had to give up wearing heels and forgo any form of jumping or high-impact exercise. So even though I was fully aware that the ankle and calf exercises would probably hurt or be a bit difficult, I truly had no idea just how much trouble I would have.

The video was only ten minutes long, but I spent the entire ten minutes flailing for dear life. I would totally make a joke out of how pitiful my performance was, but it was so bad that I actually can’t find a bit of humor in it. My balance was nonexistent and I struggled to maintain decent form. It felt as though I was helplessly windmilling more than anything else.

Even though no one saw me, I felt downright humiliated.

It took me several minutes to decide if I wanted to be bothered trying another video since the first one was such an epic disaster. After clicking through all of the options, I figured it would be best to keep trying, so I chose a 20-minute barre and center routine. The particular video I chose was also new to me, so I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect.

Unlike some of the videos I have done in the past, this one was absent of step by step breakdowns of each movement of the routine. However, I had been aware of this before I started. I wanted to learn how to simply keep up with her. I also wanted to try committing the steps to memory so I could perform them without being explicitly told what to do. Overall, I would say that I did “okay”, but I was hardly impressed.

Despite doing a fairly good job keeping up with the instructor (who is actually a professional ballerina), I became quite frustrated with myself. Everything hurt. My calf muscles were absurdly tight, my thighs were still sore from the week’s prior workouts, and I was essentially too weak and inflexible to do as well as I would have liked.

And though I gave it my very best effort, it was a bit of a massacre. I’m sure a real ballerina would have been mortified. Normally, I’m pretty good about keeping my spirits up and refraining from criticizing myself too harshly. However, today was an exception to the rule.

Truth be told, I was thoroughly disgusted by my inability to get my body to do what I asked it to. The harder I tried, the more frustrated I became; every pang of pain was a very disappointing reminder of just how far I am from my ideal goals–both in weight and general fitness.

By the time I finished, I felt as though I might cry. I didn’t, but I felt discouraged enough to let thirty minutes of shame be enough for one day.

I know it is beyond ridiculous for someone in my current position to even dare to compare themselves to a professional dancer, but I can’t help it. I’m not sure that I’m particularly comparing myself to her, or expecting to perform half as well. That’s not it at all, in fact. If anything, I’m comparing myself… to myself, my old self, that is.

There used to be a time when I could do anything. I had energy for days, I was thin, and I was in perfect shape. Now? Pfft. What is perfect shape, anyway? Not me. Not, yet anyhow.

In all other areas of my life, I am a ruthless perfectionist. If I can’t do it perfectly in my own eyes, I will staunchly refuse to do it at all. Perhaps this attitude isn’t right, but I am sometimes quite black and white, all or nothing about my own personal performance. It is in my DNA to be a high achiever, so when I’m confronted with things such as ballet, that are extremely difficult for me, I am grateful for the challenge, but deeply saddened by the struggle.

Meh. I’ll simply have to keep at it. Hopefully, I’ll get better if I keep trying. I would consider it a great shame to remain so ungraceful… like this poor little guy. 😾

*Sigh*

At least the whole calorie counting thing is going alright so far…

Today’s Consumption: 1 Venti Nonfat Iced Caramel Macchiato, 2 Bantam Bagels, my infamous leftover Chinese food from last night. 🥤🍜🥡

Once again, I wasn’t that hungry today, but I actually forgot to mention that I didn’t workout until about six or seven this afternoon. Now I am really hungry. I tend to get super hungry after working out, which is why it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to make afternoon workouts a habit. I really don’t want to eat late in the day.

When it comes to counting calories, I wasn’t very strict this weekend. It has been a goal of mine to start learning how to estimate portion sizes and calories in my head without having to always rely on my app, so that’s what I did yesterday and today.

After going back through everything I had and actually checking how many calories were in the foods I ate, I did really well. I didn’t go over on either day, so I’m extremely happy about that. This has been my first binge-free week in quite awhile now, so actively counting the calories I consume has helped me significantly.

Before I wrap up today’s post and go hunt down a small snack, I just wanted to end this by saying hello and thank you to all of you who have recently subscribed to this blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time out to hang out and join me on this wild, weird ride!

I really appreciate seeing that this content is of interest to you guys, so I hope to continue to provide what you’re here to see. It’s already proving difficult for me to be a daily blogger (even though I’ve always wanted to post on a daily basis). However, it really encourages me to keep going when I see people reading and ‘liking’ my posts.

That being said, thank you again and much love to all of you! ❤️❤️❤️

Today was Day 7: First week down.

Every winner was once a beginner. 🥇🏆


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Featured Photo Credit: Wellington Cunha via Pexels

Gifs from Giphy

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